One of those days.......

in which I want to give autism a big middle finger followed by a big F YOU!!!
Macie has a minor cold, and I think it sends her in to sensory overload.  She can't obviously tell us what's bothering her so her way of dealing is climbing EVERYTHING, chewing EVERYTHING (including glass), and just being frustrated with EVERYTHING!  It's weeks like this one that I am very angry, and sad.  I am pissed that autism exists in our family, that it is something we have to deal with on a daily basis.  I am sad when I see a look of confusion on Macie's face, and I can't find the perfect way to help her not be confused.  When you are the parent of a child with autism, you don't get a break.  I am not talking about a vacation, or a night out without the kids.  I am talking about a mental break.  I am constantly wondering how Macie is doing in school. Is she having a good day, a bad day?  Is she struggling because as parents' are we not doing enough to help her?  I am constantly worrying about her, wondering if she understands the world around her, if she knows how much I love her, and want so badly to unlock this "trap" that she is in.  I also see the look of confusion on Emma's face now when she tries to play with Macie.  She doesn't get that Macie is "different", and Emma is not at the point where I can explain it good enough to her.  We struggle so much with discipline because Macie does "naughty" things to get input for her sensory needs.  Emma mocks everything Macie does, and it's hard to make Emma understand why it's not ok for her to do some of the things that Macie does.
I'm just so flippin' frustrated this week.  I blame myself a lot for Macie having autism.  I don't have any concrete reason for blaming myself except for the fact that no one knows the cause, and no one has a cure.  Believe me, I would LOVE to have someone else, or something to blame!!!
I would give up pretty much everything to hear Macie's voice, and to hear her say "Mama".  I don't know if that is ever going to happen, but I am never going to stop trying, or stop trying to help her out of the neurological prison she is in.