A HUGE bump in the Autism road

I may be brutally honest in this post, and the reason is for my own sanity.  Sometimes after I type things out in this blog I feel better....sometimes, I feel worse.  Right now I should be wrapping presents, and making cookies for Macie's teachers, but I needed some "me time".  Macie is in her room literally climbing the walls, dressers, shelves, and tearing all her books off the shelves.  I am trying to get her to nap, but that's been a challenge the past two weeks along with many other challenges.
Just a few weeks ago I was telling everyone how great it is to be able to go to parties and get togethers.  Macie had been doing so well, and her stress level was so much better.  She would actually interact with everyone, and seemed to be having a great time.  I had no idea how things were going to change as the holidays approached, and boy I wish I knew what was coming.  When you have kids, Christmas is supposed to be fun, and exciting.  You talk to them about Santa, and ask them what they would like for Christmas.  You bake goodies, put up a tree, decorations, listen to Christmas music.  There's just something so magical about Christmas.  That is... until you have a child with Autism.  I did that last post about the holidays and did not take one single thing on that list in to consideration.
To say it's been stressful around here would be an understatement.  Macie is a completely different child.  I feel like we've gone back a year and a half.  She's climbing everything, she's waking in the middle of the night, she's destroying many things in our house, she's having horrible meltdowns that have ended with me bleeding.  She's chewing everything she can get her little hands on.  All these things were getting so much better, but this holiday season has pretty much made her regress.  I worry that it's going to be a permanent regression, and that is by far my worst fear in the world right now....it always has been.
All the new lights, sounds, smells, the running around shopping, going to parties, etc. has really put her in sensory overload.  You can tell she's confused, and overwhelmed.  She has a really hard time sitting still for anything.  School has noticed she's a little "off" lately.
It's just very sad to me that she can't and/or doesn't enjoy the holidays like I did as a child.  I so very much wish I could see her face light up when she opens her presents.  She doesn't open presents at all.  She's not interested in opening them.  It doesn't mean she doesn't like the presents that everyone so thoughtfully picked out for her, she just gets overwhelmed with all the wrapping and excitement.  She does play with toys, and she enjoys everything that everyone gets her, it's just that she does it at her own pace.  These are the little things that I forget too often.  We've talked to Emma about Santa, and she knows who Santa is when she sees a picture.  She loves all the "peeeeeety", and "cute" lights, she loves baking, cooking, wrapping presents, decorating the tree, and she loves unwrapping presents.  I love to see her face light up, and she'll say "Wow, cute" when she sees what's under all the wrapping.  Macie has been robbed of the ability to share these simple pleasures, and I am just so sad for her.  Maybe I am more sad for me, for us because she doesn't know the difference.  She just knows that something has changed around here, and all of it is pushing all the wrong buttons with her.  I am finding it very hard to really get in to the "Christmas spirit" this year.  Our world was pretty much turned upside down by autism, and now what is supposed to be such a wonderful time of year is a sensory nightmare for Macie.  It's just not fair.  There is so much stress and anxiety around here, it's hard to get in the spirit.  I am trying so hard to snap out of it, and make the best of it but it's hard.  When Macie is "napping" it's my time to let loose and scream, cry, throw things, and just let it all out.  I can't do that around Macie because I know it will only escalate her emotions right now.
If you got this far.....thank you for letting me vent, and for understanding what we are going through right now.  So there it is.......Merry F'ing Christmas, right???
I also want to thank Susie, Nelson, and Jaden for coming to our house on Saturday instead of us going there.  They were kind enough to offer to come here so that we wouldn't have to take Macie out of her comfort zone for the night.  We appreciate that so very much.