Unloading my brain

I haven't really blogged in a while, and I don't really know why.  Too busy?  Maybe.  Too tired?  Could be.  Too lazy?  Likely.
Do you ever feel like you get so far behind on blogging that you just can't catch up?  I sit down and start an entry and I get bored with myself.  I can only imagine that anyone reading the blog is WAY more bored than I am.
Anyway.......here's the scoop with the girls:
Macie is doing very well in school.  She had a few rough patches the last few weeks, but she recovers pretty quickly.  Two new little boys started in her class recently and that upsets her.  They are upset in school, and that gets her going.
Her receptive language is blossoming right now.  I can ask her to pick something up, and she will do it and bring the item to me.  It's not 100%, but she's making huge gains in this area.  When I grab a diaper and ask her to lay down, she finds a spot on the floor and lays down for me.  Sounds so basic, but before changing her diaper involved some pretty hard core wrestling holds.   She's doing great with her schedule at school.  She is using the icons on there appropriately (eg.  She brought the "change diaper" icon to one of her teachers when she pooped).  She's doing AWESOME at puzzles, matching, numbers, colors, sharing, drawing, cutting with scissors.  She plays Duck Duck Goose, she knows a ton of hand and body moves for songs.  She's slowly learning to point to body parts, and wave good bye.  We are so very proud of her, and how hard she is working.
Emma is a total clown.  She is speaking in complete sentences, and it just blows my mind.  An example:  we were driving past a church the other day and she said "Mommy, I want to go to the Castle."  "I princess."  She just cracks me up!  She is also in the "terrible two" stage I think.  She won't eat anything I cook, and throws her food across the table while saying "No, I don't want it!".  Then she says "I want chips.  I want cookie.  I want "yummies".  We tell her "NO", and she throws a fit.  When she throws her fit it gets Macie really upset.  She covers her ears and starts crying.  Dinner time is really fun around here lately.  Last week Emma learned about going to bed without dinner.  When I got her up in the morning her little tummy was growling.  Needless to say, she scarfed down breakfast like she hadn't eaten in a week.  Lesson learned?  Not a chance!
She very opinionated, she knows what she wants, and she does not hesitate to let you know!  My Mom calls this PAY BACK!!!

My mental state is still very up, and down.  I have days where I want to dig a hole, climb in, and never come out.   I also have days where I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want to scream it from the rooftop.  I was filling out a survey for an autism website where I was trying to win an iPad for Macie.  The second to last question on this survey was:  "Would you take away your child's autism if you were able?"  Without hesitation I said "heck yes I would.".  The last question asked "would you take it away even if the qualities you love about your child went away?"  I became stumped, and angry, and I felt like a horrible Mother for answering the way I did.  I almost stopped right there and deleted this survey, but if I can't be honest with a stranger....how can I be honest with myself, or my family?  After I thought about it I said "I love everything about my daughter, autism, or no autism.".  I love her quirks, her personality, how she lights up when Daddy walks in the room, how excited she gets when her favorite cartoon comes on.  I love how she doesn't judge, and accepts everyone and everything the same.  She doesn't know how to lie, or discriminate.  These are qualities that come with autism.  Would I want to trade in the autism for those traits?  No, not ideally.  I love Macie no matter what, and that will never change.  I would love to be able to teach her not to lie, discriminate, and to accept people as they are.  If I took away the autism I would be able to teach her these things.  By not taking away the autism she will be subjected to these things throughout her life.  It breaks my heart that she is going to struggle her whole life in one way or another.  She has many sensory issues, she needs routine, she doesn't speak, and we don't know if she ever will.  She has quirks (rocking, spinning, flapping her arms) that are "socially unacceptable".  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY I worry about her getting older and being bullied because she's "different".  I worry about her not being able to make friends because of her social anxieties.  I already see people looking at Macie differently.  She's at that age where she should be able to speak, and not just grunt or tantrum.  When you look at her, and she's calm, relaxed, happy- you would never know anything is wrong.  When she wants something she gets upset because she can't tell us what it is that she wants.  When she gets excited she flaps her arms.  When she's on the playground, she watches the kids from a distance, she approaches them, flaps her arms and then backs away because she does not know what to do socially.  THEN....add in the fact that she is a girl- there are so many people that don't understand that autism affects girls too.  It's hard to be starred at when out in public.  People tell you not to worry about what others think, but it's human nature for most to care.  It's also human nature to care about someone judging you and/or your child when you have no control over it.  It makes my mind race, and wonder how things are going to be years from now.

So.....moral of the story:  I would take away the autism if I could.  I realize all children have struggles, and I realize she would still have struggles but she wouldn't be "trapped" like she is now.