A jumbled mess

My head that is.....
I have been so bad at updating this blog.  I go so long (for me) in between posts that when I sit down to do a new one, I freeze.  There are so many things I want to write about and I can't organize my thoughts.  So maybe I'll do bullet points today, and add some really cute pictures to distract you from the randomness that is in my brain.

*Macie is doing AWESOME lately!  Some HUGE accomplishments for her are:  When the therapists come she actually goes over to their toy bags/boxes and picks out a toy/activity.  Before it was like pulling teeth to get her to even sit and play with toys.  She is recognizing herself more and more everyday in the mirror.  She is referencing others.  I am constantly pointing to things for Macie to look at, but she never "gets it" but yesterday I pointed to a bird sitting up on a wire in our back yard, and she looked at it, and was trying to say "tweet tweet".  Something just seems to be connecting with her, and it seems Phil and I are not the only ones who notice it.  This very bumpy road we are traveling seems to have some smooth spots!!!!
*Emma-  oh boy, Emma.  She never stops "talking" from the minute she wakes up, until she goes to bed.  When I go to get her up in the morning she always says "Hi", then she grabs her stuffed frog, and says "fu fu fu fu", and hands it to me.  Then she grabs her baby doll and says "bay beeeeeee", and then says "uppa uppa uppa".  She's hilarious and she knows it.  She falls on the ground on purpose and says "ouch", or "oh nooooooo".  She grabs our hands and says "dance, dance, dance".  She likes trying to jump, but hasn't mastered getting her feet off the ground so she just flaps her arms up and down and says "jump jump jump".  She's very polite and always says "thanks" when you give her something.  She puts her finger up to her mouth and says "sssshhhhh", and then whispers.  She loves playing pat-a-cake, and peek-a-boo.  If I say "where's Emma", she covers her eyes and says "boo".  So cute!  She can't say the letter P so Papa is "apa", and pasta is "asta".  She knows what a cow says, and she'll tell you, but only when she feels like it!!!
Even with all these things, I still worry about her.  I don't know that I'll ever stop worrying.  She's almost 18 months old, but I don't know what age it's safe to stop worrying!  Macie had already been evaluated by 18 months so I know there were more "signs" with her at this age.  Does that make it "safe"?  Emma flaps her arms, but I don't know if she's just imitating her sister.  She now says "duck a duck a duck a duck a duck a" a lot.....Macie used to do that before the light bulb went off with me.  Emma does this weird shaking thing when she's super super excited about something (like me peeling a "nana" for her), and it strikes me as odd.  I don't quite know what "normal" is at this point.  I wish I could stop worrying.  I wish I could sleep at night without all these "what if" thoughts going through my mind.  I want to have evaluated to put my mind at ease, but I am also afraid of what they might "find".  Now that I actually typed that, it seems very selfish of me to not have her evaluated.  I don't know if it's my "Mommy intuition" that sees things, or my paranoid Mommy self......I'm making the call.  I can't change the outcome either way, right?
On that note....here are some pics of my adorable girls!

The look of pure happiness!

Macie LOVES watching her Daddy climb the tree!

I LOVE the way she looks at her Daddy

This is why we call her "The Face"....so sweet and innocent.

The climbing twins

I am at a loss here

The climbing that both girls do is making me crazy!  They climb all day long.  Furniture, stairs, ANYTHING.  I guess, from what I am told that Macie climbs to help her deal with her sensory issues.  Emma climbs because her sister does.  Emma has mastered climbing on the couch, chairs, entertainment center, and stairs.  She's watched Macie put a toy next to the entertainment center, and use that to get on top of it.  Emma already fell off once and had a trip to the ER.  Macie is an amazing climber, and has some crazy balance and strength, but Emma is a little more clumsy like me!!!
I don't know how to make it stop.  I can't leave the room for a minute to do anything.  I can't go to the bathroom without taking one of them with, or both.  The minute I leave the room, one of them is climbing on something. 
I've tried everything short of selling our house, and moving in to a ranch house with no furniture, but that might have to be our next move.  At least we wouldn't have to worry about the cost of furnishing a new house, right? 
If anyone has ANY ideas to help me with stopping the climbing, I am welcoming anything and everything. 

A powerful lesson

I am finally getting back around to reading the book Dancing With Max.  I think I mentioned this, but will again.  My friend Susie got this book for me from her church.  The author, Emily Colson, was a guest speaker at their church.  Her son Max is autistic.  It's really a very wonderful book, and has me thinking about a lot of things- mainly my faith.  It's not "over the top" with religion, but just enough mentioning of God to make me open my mind a little more.  I won't get in to it, but I will say that God has not been a large part of my life, or should I say I haven't allowed God to be a part of my life.  I believe my reasons are valid, but some may not, and that is why I choose not to discuss it. 
There are certain parts of the book that really grabbed my attention, and made me think a little bit more about the role that God has in my life.  For example:
"Max forces us to raise the most important question of our age:  What does it mean to be human?  If the geneticists and 'science for science's sake' crowd were to have their way, we would weed
out the unfit and create the perfect human race of infanticide, euthanasia, or, eventually, genetic engineering.  But what would happen to our humanity?  Gone would be many of the problems and ailments-that's true.  But also gone would be the trials that shape our character- and inevitably our freedom would disappear.  For to be perfect and live problem-free in a fallen world is to be a slave to whomever makes you that way.  And if we, as creatures, were perfectly programmed by our genes, we would be stripped of the capacity for genuine love, which by its very definition must be an act of free will.  Love goes to the very essence of being a Christian, indeed of being human." 
"Real love is refined through pain and suffering, which is why one friend, when she learned of Max's autism, said to me, 'Oh, you have found favor from God, because he has given you this special-needs child so you can experience sacrificial love.'".
Pretty powerful, right?

A Really Good Day......

and yet I sit here typing with tears in my eyes.  Macie had a good day today.  Actually make that a GREAT day.  Despite the little cold she has that has kind of wiped her out the past few days, she was "on" today.  It's hard to put in to words what it means when I say she was "on" today.  She was engaged, playful, loving, connected.  She was talking, playing in the tub with Emma.  She acted like she just now realized that she has a built in playmate, and she can be kinda fun.  Macie gave Daddy and I many hugs and kisses today, and we didn't even have to ask.  She participated in some songs, and she followed along with the 100 books I read her at bedtime.  She played Barnyard Bingo with us today, she swam in the pool and dunked her face in the water.  She said "Dada" several times today, and she held my hand while we were watching a cartoon before bedtime. I swear we heard her say "love you" to Daddy when he was doing his nightly ritual of tossing her around, and tickling her before bed. 
We don't get to have this Macie every day.  If I had my way, I would have not let her go to sleep tonight and I would have played and talked to her until the sun came up.  I kissed her goodnight, she smiled, and kissed me back and she fell asleep.  I came downstairs crying.  Phil asked me what happened.  I told him that I was upset because I know that tomorrow I might not have that Macie.  I could, and I pray that's the case, but it makes me sad that she may not be as "connected" tomorrow.  I'm not sad for me, and I wouldn't change a thing about Macie, but I am sad for her.  I see her struggle to form words to try and get a point across, or ask for something.  She gets right up in my face with this very intense look in her eyes, and she tries to form words, but they just don't make it out of her mouth.  Today, she was making more sounds than I have heard for over a year.  Just looking at her I know she has a lot to say.  She was making "F" sounds, "G" sounds, "S" sounds, etc. 
All I can do is encourage her to sound things out, use her words, and praise her by saying "good talking", but I still feel like I am never doing enough to get her to be able to verbally express her wants. 
So, I sit here blogging at 11:30pm because I can't sleep, and I am worried that she will wake up and be silent again. 

Hey Ma, could ya just let me enjoy my graham cracker picnic without snapping 100 pictures?

She shoved the entire cracker in her mouth in 2.2 seconds so that Otis wouldn't get it.  he's famous for stealing crackers right out of their hands.......shocking, i know!

I am in shock

Not guilty?  Honestly?  Everyone knows the details of the case so I won't rehash them.  I am so angry about this verdict.  What exactly were the jurors thinking?  I would not want to be in any one of their shoes, and if I were them- I would leave the country with Casey Anthony.  They can bring Casey along to be a live in babysitter for their children.
If either of my kids were missing for even 31 minutes, let alone 31 days- I would be a mess.  I certainly wouldn't be out partying, and getting tattooed.  Just SICK!
I am sad that justice was not served.  I know so many people who have struggled with infertility, illness, and the loss of their children.  Casey Anthony was given the gift of a beautiful, healthy little girl and she took her life (in my opinion), and had no remorse. 
Rest in Peace sweet Caylee. 

5 Years

5 years ago today, I made the best decision of my life, and I married Phil.  I had searched a long time to find "Mr. Right".  Phil has exceeded my expectations.  He is my best friend, an amazing husband, and the best Daddy to Macie and Emma.  We have had some bumps in the road over the past 5 years, but I couldn't imagine going through all we've been through with anyone else but Phil. 
Happy 5 year anniversary, Phil.  I love you more everyday!  Looking forward to the rest of our journey!

I love you!